TimE

i dunno if there's ever a good time experience all these, but i know for sure that this is a bad time.

Y?
i had a test to study for,
2 assignments to complete over the next 3 days,
a deadline to meet TODAY.

so.. all these emo shit thing has got to stop Lorynn!
like NOW! NO more PROCRASTINATION! NO more EXCUSES!
Thank God the test went well, wif a little luck and lots of prayers! considering that i only finished 1/4 of my readings. and reading that 1/4 wif teary and puffy eyes din really work. like duh!

wat do you haf to do today?
5 more passages to go,
lots of articles to look for about one of the most boring topics *shudders at the thought of going for "econs" lesson let alone a 1000 word essay!
wats worse is having to read, understand, analyse, put in perspective and pen it down. Now looking for the articles dun sound that bad after all.

I really need to FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS! Now is NOT the time to sit and be consumed with the emotions.

Hmm... Talking abt time...
been doing lots of funny things lately wif regards to turning back the clock and going back to the 90s and early Y2K era. *shakes head. feels like a teenager all over again. that's good and bad.

things like:

• entertaining these "kids" in checking out guys over at the other table at an ice cream parlour (Goodness! People... we've talked abt it... looks are just superficial remember... but ok lah, once in a while wash eyes. ;) )
• going for a slumber party
• playing dumb card games in the hope that it would answer silly questions (as if the answers are based on a card game Ms J learnt abt in Grade 2. but the results were quite scary actually. so perhaps somewhere out there someone has a crush on me! lol. is that juvenile or wat?!)
• playing truth or dare wif questions like "Have you ever kissed a guy b4?" most of our ans: Like duh! that was ssooooooo longgggggg agooooooooooo.... when was my 1st kiss again? of coz i remember it pretty clearly but ain't going to share it here. lol. ok lah, but these "kids" are not as mature so... to some who've never been a relationship of coz said no.
• going on msn and chatting till the wee hours of the morning and exchanging pictures! GOSH! there's such a thing as Facebook! Go look at them at your own free time. Felt like the icq and irc era where people exchange fotos and trying to find the "perfect picture". both gals and guys. and the pictures can be so deceiving! *shakes head.

ok.. time check, back to reality. it's nice to do such youthful things once in a while. but hey reality is... we've grown wiser over the years with more life experiences. let's not get too comfy being in a state of wonder and awe at the most juvenile acts coz the truth is, been there, done dat, juz don't forget the lessons learnt. it's ok to be childlike but not childish. yes, there is a difference. to act childish juz becoz we are amongst younger people most of the time is juz unwise. well... i guess we ain't that young anymore. face it!

Juz wanna end tis... tho a bit off...with... only time will tell.

For now, it's time to WORK!

PrAyEr

it's been a while now.. since i find myself tearing on the praying mat. yes... i was praying... I prayed...

for Him to take this pain away for his humble servant can't bear it for another day...
for Him to give us the courage, wisdom and strength to handle this obstacle...
for Him to bless us with the gift of smooth sailing relationship should it be the best for both of us....

In the meantime, here's a little prayer for you...

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my make up
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair now
And wond'ring what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever you'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever, and ever we never will part
Oh, how I love you
Together, together, that's how it must be.
To live without you
Would only mean heartache for me
I run for the bus now, dear
While riding I think of us dear
I say a little prayer for you
At work I just take time
and all through my coffee break time
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever you'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever, and ever we never will part
Oh, how I love you
Together, together, that's how it must be.
To live without you
Would only mean heartache for me
My darling, believe me
For me there is no one but you
Please love me too
I'm in love with you
Answer my prayer
Say you love me too

I guess sometimes, life's jokes are not funny at all... not when it's on you.
So I also prayed...

for Him to make it less painful and bless us with a smooth trasition should it be best if we went on our own ways...
for Him to take the tears away and mend the bleeding heart...
for only He knows best.

I guess... only time will tell...

LoVe iS...

during one of the activities in class last tues, we were posed this question. "What is love? Write 10 sentences what you think love is or what does it mean to you." i was stunned. i've never really tot abt that b4. hey, im not the emo type. what do i know? the only thing that comes to my mind, "Love is in the air." so as we discussed the answers, some stated what they think love is. of coz i had lots to say but remained quiet.

so what is love? someoone once said, love is irrational. so is that wat it is? well... love makes people irrational. if you do something and you dont know why, that's love. if you do something and there's no reason why, that's love...

"No man deserves your tears. The one who does will not make you cry." Heard that from somewhere before. That's what the head thinks... but the heart can't control the tears.

so y do i find myself crying? i dont know. y do i find this whole thing so hurtful? i dont know. i dont have the reasons y i do the things i do. and perhaps, there is no reason y. probably the reason is as simple as being in love... with you. and it hurts to know that perhaps...juz perhaps... i'll lose you again one day. and that very thought juz hurts. it feels like being stabbed over and over again everytime u do things like that. it hurts so much, i'm so afraid of the pain. perhaps u might call me a weakling. but that pain that i have to go through... seems so unbearable at times.

but y do i find myself trying to cry myself to sleep last night? y are these tears wetting the keyboard as i type these words? i dont know. perhaps the simple reason is because i'm juz in love... in love with you...

QuIT PLaYinG GAmEs

quit playing games because it hurts.
quit playing games because it's not nice.
quit playing games because you are playing with fire.
if you are, you might get burnt.

Backstreet Boys - Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)

Baby...Ooh...
Even in my heart, I see
You're not being true to me
Deep within my soul, I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby
Quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heartI
should've know from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart

I live my life, the way
To keep you coming back to me
Everything I do
Is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby you'd better quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
I should've know from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart

Quit playing games
Baby, baby
The love that we had was so strong
Don't leave hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not a lie
Let's stop this tonight

Baby, ohh, quit playing games
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah nah nah baby
Nah nah nah nah

Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad baby
Quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
I should've know from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
Quit playing games
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah nah nah baby
Nah nah nah nah
Quit playing games with my heart
With my heart, with my heart
With my heart, with my heart

What Do You Want From Me

just tot of this song, but not from a gay's point of view. just for the people who are too nice. well i juz found out there is such a thing as being too nice. well, i guess that's y nice girls and guys end up getting hurt; and dumped. for being too nice. i don't understand. isnt being nice, a nice thing to do? wat's bad about being too nice? this whole star craft thing, i don't know how to play it well. i don't understand the rules of the game. perhaps i need a daniel henny to teach me the ropes. but to manipulate people? that's not being nice. y can't i just be nice? or too nice for that matter. thus, the song...

Adam Lambert - What Do You Want From Me

Hey, slow it down
whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don’t give up on me(uuuuuuh)
I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you

(So I) just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)whataya want from me

*this excludes the times when the red *B* button is being pressed. when that happens, u can forget about me being nice. at all.

deAR GoD

I asked for a sign.
The problem is, I don't know how to read it.
Was there any in the first place?
Perhaps I should open my eyes wider.
But what if they come in the form of dreams?
Been having strange dreams lately.
The problem is, I can't seem to remember them.

So now I'm asking, pleading, praying,
If the time should come,
Please.... give me the strength, courage and wisdom to make the right choice, decision, stand.
Though we'll probably never know what the right choice is till it's made.
There are lots of "ifs" to consider.
But to be bogged down by all the ifs is not the way out too.
It's too draining, tiring, time-consuming.

As what Ms M. love saying,
choose your battles.
Don't fight a losing battle.
Some might disagree. But me? Well, I don't even start if I know I'm going to lose.
Yes... I'm a risk taker. A calculated one.
Please give me the strength, courage and wisdom
should the time ever come for me to do what I should do.
What I have to do.

SonGS FoR HEr(S)

For the one who's caught in a bad romance... it's ok darling, it's part of growing up ;)...
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Want your bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Want your bad romance
I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's freeI want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
I want your drummer
The touch of your healing
I want you leather dirty kiss in the scene
And I want your love
You know that I want you
Love-love-love
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad
Bad and bad
I want your loving
And I want your revenge
You and me put on a bad romance
I want your loving
All your love is revenge
You and me put on a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Want your bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Want your bad romance
I want your horror
I want your design
'Cause you're a criminal
As long as your mine
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
I want your psycho
You're burning this stick
Want you in my room
When your baby is sick
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad
Bad and bad
I want your loving
And I want your revenge
You and me put on a bad romance
I want your loving
All your love is revenge
You and me put on a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!Want your bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Want your bad romance
Work-work fashion baby
Work it
Work the bitch crazy
Work-work fashion baby
Work itWork the bitch crazy
Work-work fashion baby
Work it
Work the bitch crazy
Work-work fashion baby
Work it
Work the bitch crazy
I want your love
And I want your revenge
I want your love
I don't wanna be friends
Said I want your love
And I want your revenge
I want your love
I don't wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
I want your loving
And I want your revenge
You and me put on a bad romance
I want your loving
All your love is revenge
You and me put on a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Mum-mum-mum-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I can't it with this one... esp when i keep seeing his look-alike nowadays *shudders*
Januari - Glenn Fredly

Berat bebanku
Meninggalkanmu
Separuh nafas jiwaku
Sirna...

Bukan salahmu
Apa dayaku
Mungkin benar cinta sejati
Tak berpihak
Pada kita

Kasihku
Sampai disini kisah kita
Jangan tangisi keadaannya
Bukan karena kita berbeda

Dengarkan
Dengarkan lagu.....lagu ini
Melodi rintihan hati ini
Kisah kita berakhir di Januari
Selamat tinggal kisah sejatiku
Wow....pergilah

SonGS fOr HiM(s)

oh yes.. talking abt songs, there are some songs which i reminds me of some people whenever I hear them. some are funny. some are just lame. and well... some are just so them! and more often than not, I'll miss them. For example:

For the one who finds it so difficult to apologise...
Sorry seems to be the hardest word - Blue

What do I have to do to make you love me?
What do I have to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?

What do I have to do to make you want me?
What do I have to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sadIt's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's so sad so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

Yeah.....
What do I got to do?
What do I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word

For the one wif the rock voice... and the gang for that matter
Earth Wind And Fire -Fantasy

Every man has a place,
in his heart there’s a space,
And the world can’t erase his fantasies
Take a ride in the sky,
on our ship fantasii
All your dreams will come true, right away
And we will live together, until the twelfth of never
Our voices will ring forever, as one
Every thought is a dream,
rushing by in a stream,
Bringing life to our kingdom of doing
Take a ride in the sky,
on our ship fantasii
All your dreams will come true, miles away
Our voices will ring together until the twelfth of never,
We all, will live forever, as one
Come see victory,
in the land called fantasy
Loving life, a new decree,
Bring your mind to everlasting liberty
Our minds will explore together,
old worlds, we conquer, forever
We then, will expand love together, as one
Come to see, victory
in a land called fantasy,
Loving life, for you and me, to behold,
to your soul is ecstasy
You will find, other kind,
that has been in search for you,
Many lives has brought you to
Recognize it’s your life, now in review
And as you stay for the play,
fantasy, has in store for you,
A glowing light will see you through
It’s your day, shining day,
all your dreams come true
As you glide, in your stride with the wind, as you fly away
Give a smile, from your lips, and say
I am free, yes I’m free, now I’m on my way

SonGs FoR Me

once, my frens and i talked about the different songs that wld depict our personalities. Songs like Lady Gaga, Joy to the world came up. For me? They couldn't put a finger on it but it has to be one that starts slow... then there'll be a part that's really upbeat to show the side of me that says "Don't mess around with me". Didn't get to the ending part but i'm hoping it'll end on a gentler note. They got the middle part right for sure. I may be tolerant, but hey, i'm no push over and of coz, I'm not a saint, so don't push it. there's a little red button that spells out "B.I.T.C.H.". i highly suggest that button should be avoided. you don't want that little monster to creep out and cause mayhem. Come to think about it, it's like inuyasha turning into a real demon when his life is being threatened and he's away from his sword . and when that happens, it's very difficult to stop him. real hard. while he is trying to overcome that weakness and not turn into a beast, well it ain't an easy task i would say. it takes a lot of effort and time. hey i cant help it, i'm hooked to inuyasha tho it's getting a little boring along the way.

so hmm... i wonder y I see this happening over and over again. is it suppose to be "normal". cos if it is, it's bloody warped. for those in the party i'm in, i don't blame them for doing what they did. i finally understood. now don't blame it on genetic factors. stop trying to be pitiful and blame it on circumstances. that's juz cowardice if i may say. take control and shun away from being the victim of crcumstances. we have more control than we think we have. frankly, i dunno if this might seem obvious, i'm a person who holds and highly regards the principles i have in life. so, I don't know whether or not i should make it an exception. hmm...

i'm saying it now, and i'm still going to say it in years to come. I HATE HER. "Hate" is probably a strong word. but i do. she should just stay away, from me, from you, from us. the further, the better. now and forever. as i've said, i'm not a saint. i'm still trying to get it out of my head. i don't know how they do it, i'm still trying. probably it just takes time. that's for us to find out.

Jangan Lafazkan

Jangan Lafazkan
Artist: KRU

Jangan lafazkannya hasrat di jiwa
Oh kerana ia kan menambah luka
Biar ku sendiri mengubati hati
Jangan lafaz kau sudah membenci

Ku tahu dari gerak gerimu
Adanya sesuatu mengganggu fikiranmu
Ku tahu kau tak seperti dulu
Masa telah mencemar
Kemesraan kita
Ku sedar sinaran kian pudar
Hati semakin tawar
Menguji kesabaran
Namun ku sukar 'tuk melepaskan
Andai kau ingin pergi
Tunai permintaan ini

Jangan lafazkannya hasrat di jiwa
Oh kerana ia kan menambah luka
Biar ku sendiri mengubati hati
Jangan lafaz kau sudah membenci

BeEn A wHILe.. tHinK n ThiNK n ThiNK

so it has been a while since i last updated. not that there's nothing much to say. there are lots of stuff actually. from bitter sweet goodbyes, to a great time in the philippines, to the super long term 1 and the end of another chapter of my life's events.

but not going to write that much.... juz doing lots of thinking lately. think think think... well i'm more of a head person than a heart person so i think, think and think. it's been mind blowing and mind boggling. more thinking and rethinking needed here. i dun even know what to think anymore actually. perhaps i'm juz going wif the flow but ain't too sure of the direction.

wif all that's going on, it's juz nice and comforting to realise that you are not that far away after all. you've always been there. and that's nice to know. thanks.